Stolen Joy

The other day I did something very careless within the course of my job. I took full responsibility and made no excuses. It happened, it was my fault, and nothing I could say would change those facts or make it any better. However, I refuse to act all "hang-dog" and make everyone around me miserable, too. I don't see the point of that and I prefer to keep a positive attitude. I apologized to the people it affected most immediately and shared my shortcomings with a co-worker I was working closely with that day, because I was so disappointed in myself and needed to blow off some of my frustration at having messed up.

At the end of my shift I was called into the manager's office for a talk. I expected that. I expected that I would be reprimanded and written up for my mistake. What I didn't expect was a manager who felt it necessary to go on and on until I was in tears. I didn't try to make excuses or minimize my carelessness, but I didn't' feel she was satisfied with my reprimand until I broke down. I felt she didn't feel I was repentant enough as long as I maintained my composure. She kept insisting that I just wasn't taking the incident seriously enough. I myself have fired an assistant manager for a similar act - I know damned well how serious my carelessness was.

I know that no one can steal my joy unless I let them, but that is how I feel about my job now. The joy of going to work and being with my co-workers and customers is gone. I am thankful to still have my job, but at what price? Do I really have to grovel and lose my self respect to prove that I understood that what happened was bad? I have reasons to leave this job that have nothing to do with what happened and suddenly I am considering those options. I really hadn't planned to make a move until it was closer to our move out of the area. Now I am not so sure.

I'll give it some time and hope I find my joy in my job again. There is something to be said for good people skills. Unfortunately, my manager has a lot of work to do in that regard. Not just my opinion, by the way.