I think this will never end. I am so tired, I had a massive crying attack today. I keep thinking I just can't do this anymore and I don't even know what "this" is that I am thinking.
And of course whatever it is, I will keep doing it until it no longer needs to by done.
I wish I could return to the time my kids were small. I'd like to just be back in those days when problems seemed surmountable.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
Difficult again....
Just got home from Harriett's appointment. It's after 7:00pm and the appointment was for 1:15pm. Actually she was supposed to have two appointments today, one to put in a "power port" for her chemo, any blood draws or IVs she has to have. This was ordered because they simply cannot find a vein to poke on her anymore. The people trying to find a vein today were amazed that they simply couldn't find anything.
Her BP was very very low again - the machine wouldn't even register it. So of course the first course of business was to get an IV drip going to pump her with fluids. Then we had to wait for someone else to get done in the OR before Harriett could get taken in. Once she finally got out everything was okay. They finished her IV drip and then she had to stay for an hour and then they released her.
We never did make it to her 3:00 appointment, but actually that was okay. The 3:00 date was for the IV therapy center to take her BP and then give her fluids if it was low. The people in the center for the first procedure called IV Therapy to let them know we were running late and I think between the two of them they decided that keeping her on the drip she was getting anyway was going to do as much good as going over there for a second drip. It all worked out.
I am very hopeful that this will also help her with the nausea. No one has indicated so, but when she gets so dehydrated everything seems to be more difficult, so maybe making sure on a daily basis that she has enough fluids will make a difference for all of it. We can only just keep praying.
There were a couple of amusing little incidents today. I knew Harriett was really stressed out and we had to wait for a long time when they first took us to the recovery room. That seems a little odd, she started out from the recovery room and then returned there, maybe it should be the prep/recovery room - or PR room... Anyway, I sat on the bed beside her and rubbed her back and tried to help her stay calm. Later, when they were working so hard on the IV I said something about how hard it was to watch Harriett go through all this. One of the nurses said, "Of course it is, she's your Honey." My first thought was, "Oh no, my Honey's working from home today." But then I just thought what the heck does it matter what anyone thinks? The second thing - and probably not as amusing to Harriett, was a janitor who came in to mop the floor. When she was leaving she said, "Thank you, sir." Harriett goes, "What?!?" I didn't say anything but I really wanted to laugh!
Her BP was very very low again - the machine wouldn't even register it. So of course the first course of business was to get an IV drip going to pump her with fluids. Then we had to wait for someone else to get done in the OR before Harriett could get taken in. Once she finally got out everything was okay. They finished her IV drip and then she had to stay for an hour and then they released her.
We never did make it to her 3:00 appointment, but actually that was okay. The 3:00 date was for the IV therapy center to take her BP and then give her fluids if it was low. The people in the center for the first procedure called IV Therapy to let them know we were running late and I think between the two of them they decided that keeping her on the drip she was getting anyway was going to do as much good as going over there for a second drip. It all worked out.
I am very hopeful that this will also help her with the nausea. No one has indicated so, but when she gets so dehydrated everything seems to be more difficult, so maybe making sure on a daily basis that she has enough fluids will make a difference for all of it. We can only just keep praying.
There were a couple of amusing little incidents today. I knew Harriett was really stressed out and we had to wait for a long time when they first took us to the recovery room. That seems a little odd, she started out from the recovery room and then returned there, maybe it should be the prep/recovery room - or PR room... Anyway, I sat on the bed beside her and rubbed her back and tried to help her stay calm. Later, when they were working so hard on the IV I said something about how hard it was to watch Harriett go through all this. One of the nurses said, "Of course it is, she's your Honey." My first thought was, "Oh no, my Honey's working from home today." But then I just thought what the heck does it matter what anyone thinks? The second thing - and probably not as amusing to Harriett, was a janitor who came in to mop the floor. When she was leaving she said, "Thank you, sir." Harriett goes, "What?!?" I didn't say anything but I really wanted to laugh!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
College and Cancer
The trip to Logan yesterday for Krissy's orientation was great. She got her new ID card and registered for all her classes. I love the way this all works. It's so different from when I went to college. I don't recall my parents being very involved at all or that we did much more than show up a couple of days early. While the new students were doing their stuff there were presentations for the parents that attended. We got information from several different areas of the school and had a student/teacher panel. An officer from the school police department talked with us about crime on campus and the availabilty of people to escort students around campus after dark and all that sort of thing. The doctor from the Health & Wellness clinic talked about all the services available there and how to use them. A career counselor explained what was available through his office and I was very impressed. I always thought the career counseling was more for seniors getting ready to graduate and about finding a job. Of course that kind of thinking is probably why I never finished college anyway... I was afraid of talking to the people that I should have been talking to about my education and my future. Another speaker was from the Student Resource Center and explained all their services. Why am I so excited about all this information? Because I can better help my daughter if the need arises since I have good information about what resources are available to her.
She will be living on campus in a dorm. Here's another really great thing - there are units within the dorms that you can request being assigned to that relate either to your personal interests or your educational interests. Krissy is going to be an art major so she chose a group that is called "appreciating the arts." There are other groups for education or medical fields or outdoor interests (hiking, skiing, etc - that would have been my choice). I think it is so cool that she will be living with other freshman who share her major and will be organizing events with those people. School was never like that when I went. We did have activities and events planned by our dorm floor, but we were never grouped by interest.
The school is similar to my college in some ways. It's a small town university and an aggricultural school. They are known for their icecream and we were known for our cheese. Both schools also are homes to the sports underdogs. The school is quite a bit smaller than mine was and by the consensus of the student panel we visited with, it's very very much a community spirited school. The students that attend there are very loyal to their school and all seemed to agree that a big part of their choice to attend there was that they felt strongly when they visited the school that they were wanted there. I think that is what Krissy said about their presentation when they visited her high school, too.
I am so happy with her choice of school. There is something to be said for living in such a conservative state (especially being as liberal as I am) when it comes to the colleges. They do have some issues with parties and alcohol but they are very limited. I think the spring session has gone home for summer break and only a portion of the incoming freshman were there yesterday. In the group of kids I saw exactly one who didn't look straight as an arrow. He had a very very modest mohawk. Talk about looking out of place. I do have to say, on the other hand, that when I visit Seattle I simply LOVE the diversity of the people there. I used to feel sort of threatened by punk looking people, but as my own daughters have gotten older and I have worked with a couple of more extreme looking gals at B&N I feel more artsy about them - freedom of expression I guess.
My other topic today is cancer. Harriett had another appointment today and I am more and more fearful for her. She is down more weight and BP was extremely low again. Her doctor made appointments for her over the next three days to get IV drips to help her bring her BP up. She's also changing her therapy to real chemo because, as she put it, we have GOT to get aggressive on this.
To be honest, I am so tired of all these doctor appointments and visits. I can't even imagine how Harriett must feel. She told me the other day that we do more for her than her own family would be doing if she were around them. I didn't say it at the time, but I should have reminded her that we ARE her family. We are all in this together. Sometimes I wish I knew what is going to happen and other times I am happy that I don't. And, for today anyway, life goes on.
She will be living on campus in a dorm. Here's another really great thing - there are units within the dorms that you can request being assigned to that relate either to your personal interests or your educational interests. Krissy is going to be an art major so she chose a group that is called "appreciating the arts." There are other groups for education or medical fields or outdoor interests (hiking, skiing, etc - that would have been my choice). I think it is so cool that she will be living with other freshman who share her major and will be organizing events with those people. School was never like that when I went. We did have activities and events planned by our dorm floor, but we were never grouped by interest.
The school is similar to my college in some ways. It's a small town university and an aggricultural school. They are known for their icecream and we were known for our cheese. Both schools also are homes to the sports underdogs. The school is quite a bit smaller than mine was and by the consensus of the student panel we visited with, it's very very much a community spirited school. The students that attend there are very loyal to their school and all seemed to agree that a big part of their choice to attend there was that they felt strongly when they visited the school that they were wanted there. I think that is what Krissy said about their presentation when they visited her high school, too.
I am so happy with her choice of school. There is something to be said for living in such a conservative state (especially being as liberal as I am) when it comes to the colleges. They do have some issues with parties and alcohol but they are very limited. I think the spring session has gone home for summer break and only a portion of the incoming freshman were there yesterday. In the group of kids I saw exactly one who didn't look straight as an arrow. He had a very very modest mohawk. Talk about looking out of place. I do have to say, on the other hand, that when I visit Seattle I simply LOVE the diversity of the people there. I used to feel sort of threatened by punk looking people, but as my own daughters have gotten older and I have worked with a couple of more extreme looking gals at B&N I feel more artsy about them - freedom of expression I guess.
My other topic today is cancer. Harriett had another appointment today and I am more and more fearful for her. She is down more weight and BP was extremely low again. Her doctor made appointments for her over the next three days to get IV drips to help her bring her BP up. She's also changing her therapy to real chemo because, as she put it, we have GOT to get aggressive on this.
To be honest, I am so tired of all these doctor appointments and visits. I can't even imagine how Harriett must feel. She told me the other day that we do more for her than her own family would be doing if she were around them. I didn't say it at the time, but I should have reminded her that we ARE her family. We are all in this together. Sometimes I wish I knew what is going to happen and other times I am happy that I don't. And, for today anyway, life goes on.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
If it can difficult, why make it easy?
This seems to be our way of doing things when it comes to Harriett's treatment. For the second week in a row she was too dehydrated to begin the chemo, as well as finding a vein was next to impossible. It can be that way when you are dehydrated. Her BP was also extremely low. Last week that meant we ended up back at her primary care doctor who changed the BP med - but it is looking to me like she's going to have to stay off it altogether. There doesn't seem to be any inbetween. Everyone says she looks so much better when we leave - well, duh! She's down another three pounds over last week. Last week she was down six pounds. I don't know if they do this, but I am so scared that she may end up on a feeding tube if she can't begin to gain weight or at least stabilize.
One of the nurses called in a rep from the Utah Cancer Society to show Harriett some wigs. They provide two free wigs to cancer patients. How cool is that? I noticed a sticky note on one of the wigs with a business name on it. I thought, hm... and looked a little closer and there was another business name on it, too. Both of these business names are simply last names but I thought it was a co-incident that they were the name of the Division that brought us to Utah to begin with and the name of the main corporation over that division that is causing our move to Cincinnati. I commented on it and the rep said, yes, that company gives the UCS a grant for providing the services they do. I felt so proud that this is the company Mark works for! I told him about it when we got home and he said that the golf tournament he was just in was a fund raiser for the Children's Hospital here. Things like this mean so much.
Tomorrow Krissy and I go up to Logan for her freshman orientation. It's so pretty up there but we have to get up and on the road by 6:00am. I am so excited about her going to school in Logan. It's so pretty there and she gets to stay in Utah. At least I have a good reason to come back!
One of the nurses called in a rep from the Utah Cancer Society to show Harriett some wigs. They provide two free wigs to cancer patients. How cool is that? I noticed a sticky note on one of the wigs with a business name on it. I thought, hm... and looked a little closer and there was another business name on it, too. Both of these business names are simply last names but I thought it was a co-incident that they were the name of the Division that brought us to Utah to begin with and the name of the main corporation over that division that is causing our move to Cincinnati. I commented on it and the rep said, yes, that company gives the UCS a grant for providing the services they do. I felt so proud that this is the company Mark works for! I told him about it when we got home and he said that the golf tournament he was just in was a fund raiser for the Children's Hospital here. Things like this mean so much.
Tomorrow Krissy and I go up to Logan for her freshman orientation. It's so pretty up there but we have to get up and on the road by 6:00am. I am so excited about her going to school in Logan. It's so pretty there and she gets to stay in Utah. At least I have a good reason to come back!
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Falling Apart
Mornings seem to be the worst time of day for me recently. I wake up and immediately see to all of Mom's needs, then clean up after her (make her bed, start her laundry, etc.) and by the time I am done with that I am on the verge of tears. Everyone is telling me to be sure to take care of myself, to make sure I have time for myself, but how do I do that?
I wake up not wanting to talk to anyone. Alyssa is so good with her g'ma when she helps her in the mornings. She goes in with a smile in her voice and keeps chattering away at her through the entire routine. I don't say more than I have to. If anyone else talks to me, I barely respond. I feel bad for Mark on the weekends because he doesn't know what's wrong with me. At least during the week he's at work. This morning I got my latte and grabbed the breakfast he made for me and put it on the table and then went into the bedroom and sat on the floor and cried. I have nothing to cry about. I'm not mad at anyone or hurt - I just want to cry. When I was done I came back and sat at the table with him and we talked about normal stuff. And then the tears started coming again. He understands as much as he can. He asked me if I thought a spa day might help. I really don't know, but i thought about it and I can see myself in a soft lit room getting a very very long massage, soft music playing. I think it couldn't hurt.
It does get better each day as the day goes on. It's mostly the morning when I'm emotionally on the edge. I'm trying to work my way through some of the things we brought of Mom's belongings. She photographed her entire life and it's an amazing life, but what I am going to do with so many photos of places that I've never been? Everyone tells me I need to hang onto them, but why? She has a huge album of photos of China, for instance. They are all places she toured, but there are not any people in them that interest me. If' I'd been there, I am sure I would feel differently, but it's her memories and not mine. I did let myself be talked into keeping the books for her to look through. Alyssa brought one up for her and apparently she did spend some time looking at it. However, I doubt she really remembered any of it. She put it aside and hasn't picked it up again.
I forgot to stop at Walgreen's for Harriett's meds when Krissy and I went out a while ago. I guess I will have to go do that soon. Maybe I will wait awhile since they have a 24 hour pharmacy....
Rose called me last night to vent about Tracy... she got a "meeting" with Tracy for the first time. I really never thought it would happen to her. I feel so bad for her. She said the entire time she kept thinking, "So this is what it feels like," and thinking about me. She got a poor shop and from what she told me, it wasn't really anything she had a lot of control over because the customer asked where to find an author, not a specific book, and Rose showed her where the books by that author are. So she got knocked for not putting the book in the customer's hand. Hello??????? Was she supposed to take ALL the Shel Silverstein books of the shelf and hand them to the customer? Then Tracy went on to say that the store was number two in the district but because of Rose's bad shop it went to number 7. She is so full of it!!! It wouldn't have dropped that far just because of that one thing. I still maintain that Tracy seems to enjoy trying to make people feel bad. Rose said that Aaron was in the room and he tried to lessen the impact. Good for him. Last time I got called in Jami was in the room and she managed to take everything Tracy said and soften it - and she did that well. The one thing I can say for Tracy is that she has good assistant managers, and that is also why she probably doesn't have more turnover than she does. Rose did tell me that they have recently interviewed 21 people and none of them worth hiring.
I guess that job was the 'take care of me' thing I had. Although I think Tracy sucks at management, I loved the job and the employees and the customers. I keep thinking about going to work at the B&N in Kentucky but the downside is the retail hours. If I ever get out from under caring for people 24/7 and being tied to home, I do want my weekends and evenings free so we can go exploring. It was so fun when we first got here and I wasn't working. The girls and I did so much together. I am seriously considering looking for something in the school district so I have the same time off that the kids have.
It helps to write all this. But I think I will go make another latte and sort more of Mom's stuff. And address grad announcements with Krissy. And make some cards. Etc.
I wake up not wanting to talk to anyone. Alyssa is so good with her g'ma when she helps her in the mornings. She goes in with a smile in her voice and keeps chattering away at her through the entire routine. I don't say more than I have to. If anyone else talks to me, I barely respond. I feel bad for Mark on the weekends because he doesn't know what's wrong with me. At least during the week he's at work. This morning I got my latte and grabbed the breakfast he made for me and put it on the table and then went into the bedroom and sat on the floor and cried. I have nothing to cry about. I'm not mad at anyone or hurt - I just want to cry. When I was done I came back and sat at the table with him and we talked about normal stuff. And then the tears started coming again. He understands as much as he can. He asked me if I thought a spa day might help. I really don't know, but i thought about it and I can see myself in a soft lit room getting a very very long massage, soft music playing. I think it couldn't hurt.
It does get better each day as the day goes on. It's mostly the morning when I'm emotionally on the edge. I'm trying to work my way through some of the things we brought of Mom's belongings. She photographed her entire life and it's an amazing life, but what I am going to do with so many photos of places that I've never been? Everyone tells me I need to hang onto them, but why? She has a huge album of photos of China, for instance. They are all places she toured, but there are not any people in them that interest me. If' I'd been there, I am sure I would feel differently, but it's her memories and not mine. I did let myself be talked into keeping the books for her to look through. Alyssa brought one up for her and apparently she did spend some time looking at it. However, I doubt she really remembered any of it. She put it aside and hasn't picked it up again.
I forgot to stop at Walgreen's for Harriett's meds when Krissy and I went out a while ago. I guess I will have to go do that soon. Maybe I will wait awhile since they have a 24 hour pharmacy....
Rose called me last night to vent about Tracy... she got a "meeting" with Tracy for the first time. I really never thought it would happen to her. I feel so bad for her. She said the entire time she kept thinking, "So this is what it feels like," and thinking about me. She got a poor shop and from what she told me, it wasn't really anything she had a lot of control over because the customer asked where to find an author, not a specific book, and Rose showed her where the books by that author are. So she got knocked for not putting the book in the customer's hand. Hello??????? Was she supposed to take ALL the Shel Silverstein books of the shelf and hand them to the customer? Then Tracy went on to say that the store was number two in the district but because of Rose's bad shop it went to number 7. She is so full of it!!! It wouldn't have dropped that far just because of that one thing. I still maintain that Tracy seems to enjoy trying to make people feel bad. Rose said that Aaron was in the room and he tried to lessen the impact. Good for him. Last time I got called in Jami was in the room and she managed to take everything Tracy said and soften it - and she did that well. The one thing I can say for Tracy is that she has good assistant managers, and that is also why she probably doesn't have more turnover than she does. Rose did tell me that they have recently interviewed 21 people and none of them worth hiring.
I guess that job was the 'take care of me' thing I had. Although I think Tracy sucks at management, I loved the job and the employees and the customers. I keep thinking about going to work at the B&N in Kentucky but the downside is the retail hours. If I ever get out from under caring for people 24/7 and being tied to home, I do want my weekends and evenings free so we can go exploring. It was so fun when we first got here and I wasn't working. The girls and I did so much together. I am seriously considering looking for something in the school district so I have the same time off that the kids have.
It helps to write all this. But I think I will go make another latte and sort more of Mom's stuff. And address grad announcements with Krissy. And make some cards. Etc.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
A Horrible Daughter....
I have issues today and I am choosing to write here rather than my regular blog because I don't think I have any readers here.
The title refers to me, not my own daughters.
Harriett & I got back from her radiation therapy today (last one - yeah!!) and as soon as Mom could see me (I mean the very second!) she asked me to take her to the bathroom. I totally lost it with her. I hate that!! I know she doesn't realize what she's doing but I lose my temper anyway. ARGH!!
For some reason she gets it into her head that I am the only one that can, or that she wants, to do anything for her. She has no idea what a burden that puts on me. She's basically wanting me to be around 24/7 to care for her. That would mean that I can have no life of my own. It's gotten pretty much that way anyway since Harriett got sick, but it's worse than ever now. In the three years we've lived here I have not even been to Brice Canyon, Moab, the Grand Canyon, or any of the other amazing areas to sightsee. Any time off I've had with Mark has been returning to Washington to weddings and graduations. We did make it to Phoenix once for Spring Training. I guess that might count for a little bit as we got to drive passed the freeway exits to all the places I want to visit.
Anyway, I laid into Mom. I asked her if she'd been waiting for me to get home to take her to the bathroom. She said, "Yes," and I asked her why since Krissy was sitting right there with her. Of course she doesn't know the answer to that because she really doesn't even understand what I am asking her. I told her she'd just have to wait until I was ready since she'd waited anyway, and I put away groceries and used the bathroom. Then when I came back to the livingroom, got her up and walked her to the bathroom, and scolded her all the way, telling her that by insisting I am the one to always have to help her, that she is placing too much responsibility on me for her care. I don't know how much of that she is going to retain but I shouldn't have said it all anyway. To care for her here has been my choice and it's not fair to take my frustrations out on her. But I honestly don't know if I can continue to do this after the move. We've made sure she has a first floor room in the new house, and a shower that she can step into/out of, and a 17" toilet. But I really need to work to help support our household and I am stressed over that as well.
Since Harriett has gotten sick Alyssa has changed her work schedule around to accomodate all the doctor appointments. Some days we were out 8 hours or more going to appointments and/or the medicaid office. With Alyssa home to care for her G'ma it's really helped a lot. Today she didn't have the time off because we originally thought the radiation would be concluded yesterday. So I called the school to have Krissy come home early to stay with Mom. Both girls are so awesome in their willingness to help. Harriett can't help her anymore because of the cancer in her bones. She could break a bone way too easily.
I know it's the stress of everything that is really getting to me. Making this house ready to sell, building a home I am afraid we can't afford, moving so much farther away from Mark's folks, his Mom and Dad's health issues, my Mom's poor health, Harriett's health and the big question of what's going to happen in Kentucky for her treatments, graduation coming up and college for Krissy, and on and on and on. I know I have to trust God because what control do I have over any of it anyway? But I need to lose my frustration, anxiety and anger. Taking any of it out on my family is just not right. Focus on the relationships, Betsy. Loving relationships. That is what it is all about. There is not one person in this family that is trying to overburden me. Things just are what they are. Truly, I am the lucky one. I don't have alzheimers or dementia or cancer. I am healthy and I need to do what I can to help. That has never been an issue. Being here for the people that need me has never been at question.
Please, please, please, dear God, help me be calm and peaceful, loving and caring, and living without anger and frustration.
The title refers to me, not my own daughters.
Harriett & I got back from her radiation therapy today (last one - yeah!!) and as soon as Mom could see me (I mean the very second!) she asked me to take her to the bathroom. I totally lost it with her. I hate that!! I know she doesn't realize what she's doing but I lose my temper anyway. ARGH!!
For some reason she gets it into her head that I am the only one that can, or that she wants, to do anything for her. She has no idea what a burden that puts on me. She's basically wanting me to be around 24/7 to care for her. That would mean that I can have no life of my own. It's gotten pretty much that way anyway since Harriett got sick, but it's worse than ever now. In the three years we've lived here I have not even been to Brice Canyon, Moab, the Grand Canyon, or any of the other amazing areas to sightsee. Any time off I've had with Mark has been returning to Washington to weddings and graduations. We did make it to Phoenix once for Spring Training. I guess that might count for a little bit as we got to drive passed the freeway exits to all the places I want to visit.
Anyway, I laid into Mom. I asked her if she'd been waiting for me to get home to take her to the bathroom. She said, "Yes," and I asked her why since Krissy was sitting right there with her. Of course she doesn't know the answer to that because she really doesn't even understand what I am asking her. I told her she'd just have to wait until I was ready since she'd waited anyway, and I put away groceries and used the bathroom. Then when I came back to the livingroom, got her up and walked her to the bathroom, and scolded her all the way, telling her that by insisting I am the one to always have to help her, that she is placing too much responsibility on me for her care. I don't know how much of that she is going to retain but I shouldn't have said it all anyway. To care for her here has been my choice and it's not fair to take my frustrations out on her. But I honestly don't know if I can continue to do this after the move. We've made sure she has a first floor room in the new house, and a shower that she can step into/out of, and a 17" toilet. But I really need to work to help support our household and I am stressed over that as well.
Since Harriett has gotten sick Alyssa has changed her work schedule around to accomodate all the doctor appointments. Some days we were out 8 hours or more going to appointments and/or the medicaid office. With Alyssa home to care for her G'ma it's really helped a lot. Today she didn't have the time off because we originally thought the radiation would be concluded yesterday. So I called the school to have Krissy come home early to stay with Mom. Both girls are so awesome in their willingness to help. Harriett can't help her anymore because of the cancer in her bones. She could break a bone way too easily.
I know it's the stress of everything that is really getting to me. Making this house ready to sell, building a home I am afraid we can't afford, moving so much farther away from Mark's folks, his Mom and Dad's health issues, my Mom's poor health, Harriett's health and the big question of what's going to happen in Kentucky for her treatments, graduation coming up and college for Krissy, and on and on and on. I know I have to trust God because what control do I have over any of it anyway? But I need to lose my frustration, anxiety and anger. Taking any of it out on my family is just not right. Focus on the relationships, Betsy. Loving relationships. That is what it is all about. There is not one person in this family that is trying to overburden me. Things just are what they are. Truly, I am the lucky one. I don't have alzheimers or dementia or cancer. I am healthy and I need to do what I can to help. That has never been an issue. Being here for the people that need me has never been at question.
Please, please, please, dear God, help me be calm and peaceful, loving and caring, and living without anger and frustration.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Sleepless in Sandy
4am in the morning and still awake. It's so peaceful. I can hear a few little bird chirps which seem odd since it's still so dark out. Bailey left me long ago to sleep in the bedroom where she knows I belong at this hour. She's probably having puppy dreams and snoring. Since Mark is out of town she's most likely crept up onto the bed. She knows I'll let her get away with it....
I've been reading a book called "The Shack" by William P Young. It's a story about God's love, written from the perspective of Mackenzie, a man who has lost a child. After four years of the Great Sadness, God sends Mackenzie a note to meet him at the shack where his daughter was killed. (I know - not just anybody gets a note from God!) When he meets God "face to face" he becomes involved in a relationship with three people: "God" who is a black woman who calls herself Papa, "Jesus" (self explanatory) and "Sarayu" a sort of translucent, airy, light filled being who is the Holy Ghost. These three characters who are all God, yet appear as three separate beings, interacting and sharing wonderful relationships with each other begin to show Mackenzie what God's love really is.
My faith is something fluid. It grows and changes with my experience(s) and what I believe I understand. I am open to new fresh ideas because everything I have seen as reference and truth about God has actually been provided or interpreted by man. I believe in a totally loving and forgiving God. That doesn't mean I should be a horrible person because in the long run it won't matter, forgiveness will still be mine, but that I should live in God's love and with him at the center I am living in his example.
In many ways this book reflects what I have felt about God and clarifies many things that I couldn't grasp. How can I be this religion or that religion if one is right and one is not? I have believed that many roads lead to heaven (God) but then I am told that only through Jesus can I get there. Can a loving/forgiving God really turn away anyone of a religion that isn't Christian? That can't be right my heart tells me. One of the most striking ideas in this book (paraphrasing here) is, by many roads, God will find his children. Wow.
A believer of God and/or Jesus or not, I think this book is a good read for anyone. It's been sort of a slow read for me, but I really think that is because some of the ideas are so profound that I have to allow myself time to absorb them. I am sure I will be reading this book again.
Want to learn more? There is a website.... http://www.theshackbook.com/
I've been reading a book called "The Shack" by William P Young. It's a story about God's love, written from the perspective of Mackenzie, a man who has lost a child. After four years of the Great Sadness, God sends Mackenzie a note to meet him at the shack where his daughter was killed. (I know - not just anybody gets a note from God!) When he meets God "face to face" he becomes involved in a relationship with three people: "God" who is a black woman who calls herself Papa, "Jesus" (self explanatory) and "Sarayu" a sort of translucent, airy, light filled being who is the Holy Ghost. These three characters who are all God, yet appear as three separate beings, interacting and sharing wonderful relationships with each other begin to show Mackenzie what God's love really is.
My faith is something fluid. It grows and changes with my experience(s) and what I believe I understand. I am open to new fresh ideas because everything I have seen as reference and truth about God has actually been provided or interpreted by man. I believe in a totally loving and forgiving God. That doesn't mean I should be a horrible person because in the long run it won't matter, forgiveness will still be mine, but that I should live in God's love and with him at the center I am living in his example.
In many ways this book reflects what I have felt about God and clarifies many things that I couldn't grasp. How can I be this religion or that religion if one is right and one is not? I have believed that many roads lead to heaven (God) but then I am told that only through Jesus can I get there. Can a loving/forgiving God really turn away anyone of a religion that isn't Christian? That can't be right my heart tells me. One of the most striking ideas in this book (paraphrasing here) is, by many roads, God will find his children. Wow.
A believer of God and/or Jesus or not, I think this book is a good read for anyone. It's been sort of a slow read for me, but I really think that is because some of the ideas are so profound that I have to allow myself time to absorb them. I am sure I will be reading this book again.
Want to learn more? There is a website.... http://www.theshackbook.com/
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