A Saint? Trust me, that is something I am NOT!!

Yesterday I was playing World of Warcraft with a friend of mine who lives a couple of states away. Yes, I am a nerd like that - I LOVE games!! And the friend I was playing with is my real life best friend. We are not internet acquaintances who have no idea who we are talking to, we are real live living and breathing in the real world friends!

Okay, I guess that might make her a little nerdy, too, since she is the one that introduced me to WoW.

As we were playing Mom began knocking on the table next to her chair for me to come take her to the bathroom. I messaged my friend what I was doing so she would know I was away from the game and she messaged back, "You are a saint!"

No amount of talking would convince her otherwise since she has an inkling of what all is going on in my world. Despite that, I continue to believe I am the lucky one since I am healthy. But I digress....

Far from being a saint, I would consider myself more of a martyr. I do resent that Mom can't do for herself and that it all falls on me. I am not always nice to her. She annoys me and frustrates me and I wish I didn't have this responsibility, that she was a healthy and sharp 87 year old woman. Do you have any idea how hard it is to see a woman with a veterinarian degree try to remember where she is going when you get her standing up? Or watch her try to read a book but not be able to make any sense of the words? It hurts, deep down inside.

So as the martyr in the scenario, let me tell you who the saints are. The saints are my husband and children. My husband who quickly steps in to help mom to the bathroom when he sees that I just can't do it for the second time in 45 minutes. My husband who gently chides her to take bigger steps and not hit the wall with her walker. My husband who appears to not care that he is physically putting his mother-in-law on the toilet and helping her back off it. That is a saint. He has never complained about her living with us for the three years she's been here. Let me also explain that she did not always warm up to him since he married her precious (HA!) daughter. I nominate my husband for sainthood.

My oldest daughter also qualifies. She helps with Mom an enormous amount. If I ask her to get Mom up in the morning she walks into her room with a huge smile and cheerfully greets her and chats at her the entire time she's helping her. Morning is probably my least favorite routine. Mom is incontinent and we don't get her up in the night. She has a plastic mattress cover to protect the mattress and she sleeps with a pad under her to absorb the wetness. It's smelly and icky to get her up and into the bathroom to get her into clean dry clothes for the day. And then rinsing off her teeth and helping her with those. Then after she is settled into her chair and fed her pills, cocoa and breakfast we return to the bedroom and bathroom to take care of all the wet stuff and get it into the washer. My daughter who cheerfully helps with all this deserves to be called a saint. She doesn't stop there. If she's not working or otherwise busy, she is always available to help or run an errand or start dinner. These are people who should be called saints.

My youngest daughter just finished her senior year of highschool. She helps with Mom but a little less often. She went through this last year of school basically on her own. When she wanted help picking out a prom dress, I was too tired. When she needed addresses and help sending out grad announcements, I was too tired. She never did get a senior portrait done professionally. Where was I when she needed me? I was either too tired or taking care of mom. What kind of a saint neglects her family for another? No, I was the martyr who sacrificed my family for Mom. My daughter has forgiven me and says she understands and that takes a bit of sainthood, too. At her age, this past year has been the most important of her life and I blew it.

It pretty much took being hit up aside the head with a 2x4 to recognize what I am doing to my family. I am grateful to the family member that helped me see that. I believe I am doing the right thing for my mother and I simply hate the idea of putting her in a home. I keep thinking, "I can do this. I owe her this. I want to give myself to her this way. She did so much for me!" But what am I really doing for her? One day is like the next for her and she doesn't remember the one before. I know she is happier here than she will be anyplace else. But I have to think of my family now. Are they happier without a mom/wife? What have I given up for Mom at my family's expense? How many times have I not been available for my family because I had to care for Mom? The answer is too many.

I have to start to think about my own bucket list, too, and how can I do that when I have committed myself to someone else's life? It's hard to think about but I have to do what's right for my family and probably what is right for Mom, now, too. My last question is can I wait until we make our move? It's a couple of months away and I think it would be harder on Mom to put her in a home here and then move her later. I think we can all hold on that long.

Another "Good" day makes a u-turn

Harriett has had some good days this week. Tuesday was Krissy's graduation and Harriett was able to go to her ceremony without any trouble and spent most of the day with the family. Wednesday morning she had the procedure to withdraw some bone marrow and that went well.

I was in the room when the procedure was done and this time I was the one that felt a bit queasy for a change. Harriett was on her left side facing the wall and the table of equipment was between me and the doctor. The doctor went through all the contents of the equipment packet and I sat and watched her pick up and examine some nasty looking mega-needles. Then she began the procedure by numbing up the area she would draw the marrow from. Harriett jumped at the first poke of the needle but after that she was numb enough that she only felt pressure. I, on the other hand, sat and watched the doctor jab her bone over and over again with the needle to make sure it's thoroughly numbed. She made a comment that the needle has been known to break during that part of the procedure.... ick!!!! Then she took a razor and made a hole for the needle to go in and then stuck a HUGE needle into her bone. That takes a bit of pressure. I watched as she pulled out two vials of fluid and then moved the needle adn took another little piece of marrow. All the time she was asking Harriett how she was doing and Harriett always said she was doing fine. Then she took all the equipment away and put a bandaid on the wound and that was that.

This was the first visit that the Onc realized we had moved here from Seattle. She had also lived in Seattle and worked/trained at the Hutch Cancer Center and then Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. She lived in the same neighborhood we did, too. It was nice to make that connection with her and she shared this joke with us:

Three men were out camping. One was from Texas, one from California and one from Washington. The Texan had a bottle of Jack Daniels. He took a long drink from his bottle, threw it up in the air and pulled out his pistol and shot it. The other two asked, "What did you do that for?" The Texan replied, "I am from Texas and we have more than enough Jack Daniels!" Then the Californian took out a nice bottle of Napa Valley Chardonnay and poured himself glassful, swirled it around, sniffed it and then drank it down. He threw the bottle up in the air, pulled out a gun and shot it. The other two asked, "Why did you do that?" He answered, "I am from California and we make an incredible Chardonnay and have plenty!" Next the Washingtonian took out a bottle of microbrew (probably Red Hook), drank it down, and threw the bottle in the air. He pulled out a pistol, shot the Californian and caught the bottle before it hit the ground. The Texan asked, "What'd you do that for?" The Washingtonian said, I'm from Washington. We have way too many Californians and we recycle."

Today we went back to get the results of the marrow test. It was the best of the three things the Onc said it could be. It was breast cancer cells in the bone marrow. It was NOT leukemia and it was NOT Myelodysplastic Syndrome which can become leukemia. It does change the course of treatment but mostly in that we have to watch the platelet counts and her chemo therapy will depend on how high that is. If it is too low she will have a week off to allow her marrow to recover and build platelets. So she still is a candidate for the Taxol and the doctor then scheduled her for that chemo today.

So we left the doctor's office and ran home to get my bag of "let's keep Betsy busy at chemo" stuff and headed to the chemo center. I stopped at Starbucks along the way, but they were INCREDIBLY slow so by the time I got to the window I drove on through. I am not paying for coffee that takes 20 minutes to serve three cars!! We got on the freeway and Harriett got nauseated and threw up. (which is okay, because we have learned to be prepared in the car for such things). She was looking and feeling horrid. We got to the hospital and she began to lose it again. The nurse and the pharmacist came and talked to us and pulled a list of her meds, which by now are almost all anti-nausea meds. The pharmacist called the Onc to find out if it was okay to give her another pain med so she got morphine. The therapy starts with an antinausea and benadryl so they weren't really thinking about giving her more antinausea. It was so obvious how much pain she was in though. Eventually she was pretty much out of it but at least she felt better. When they called the Onc, she wanted to talk to me because she really couldn't believe that she had gotten that sick just in the time since we'd left her office. She said she was laughing and doing well there - could it possibly be anxiety? I'd thought the same thing and asked Harriett when we were still in the car and she said she wasn't more anxious than normal.

The pharmacist said that the pain med she was on was one that many people had problems with so the Onc prescribed a new one. I am praying that this will do the trick. I was having such a hard time seeing Harriett going through all this again. It's bad enough that she is as sick as she is - does she have to suffer every day, as well??

In the Bones?

After such a good day yesterday, this one seemed to be off to a good start and quickly took a wrong turn.

First appointment of the day was with the oncologist. Of course we were concerned with Harriett's nutrition and her lack of weight gain. Doctor made a few more suggestions and prescribed another medicine that would increase her appetite. I asked about the results of the stool lab and she went to get those and reported that everything was normal. About that time she noticed that Harriett's labs were done yesterday. She didn't say anything more than that as she reviewed them on her computer, but I knew something wasn't good.

Turns out Harriett's platelets were down. That means that something is wrong inside her bones. It might mean that there are breast cancer cells in the bone marrow or it could be a disease that older women get that causes the marrow to produce less platelets. Harriett will have to have some marrow drawn to find out what is going on. Which involves a large needle being inserted low in her back into the bone. Harriett hates needles. Not to mention that bone marrow cancer is just one more thing going bad.

Today was the first day Harriett was going to have a chemo drug. That now has been postponed because it's too harsh on the blood and the blood is not up to parr right now. Besides that, it could change the result of the marrow test. In the mean time Harriett had to have two more units of blood today (at a time rate of 2 hours per unit) along with the herceptin.

It was an extremely rough day for Harriett with the new issues. She felt very nauseated during part the second unit of blood. Although they had put a strong anti-nausea in her at the beginning of the therapy, the nurse encouraged her to take another pill she had with her. That quickly sent the nausea away, yeah!! However, when we were ready to leave the diarrhea snuck up on her and caught her off guard. Fortunately, the restroom was very close by and most of the patients had left already. Her nurse came up with a pair of HUGE scrub bottoms, some towels and a plastic laundry bag. Poor Harriett was so embarrassed.

Mark got a hold of someone to sit with Mom tomorrow during Krissy's graduation - I am so relieved. I had about resigned myself to taking Mom to the grad with us, but that would have been awful. This is so much better.

The next day

The good thing about having a day of breaking down is that the next day is usually much MUCH better! And that is today and I believe it is much better.

I overheard Mark & Harriett talking about me this morning. I wasn't trying to listen but I know they were talking about my breakdown yesterday. Mark tried to explain that it just got overwhelming for me and listed out several things, including "losing" Krissy to school next year. That was sweet of him because the last thing I want is for Harriett to feel guilty and think she's too much of a burden. I think I also overheard her say she is thinking of looking for another place to live. I wasn't trying to overhear any of this - I was in the bathroom helping Mom with the morning routine and it's just easy to hear from there. I left the bathroom and went and gave Harriett a hug and told her that I love her and there is no way in H*LL I will ever let her go through this alone.

No one told me about their conversation so I really don't know if I have it right or not.

Harriett was very talkative today which is an incredibly good sign of her feeling better. She's got a theory that there is something other than the cancer wrong with her which is why all the nausea and diarrhea. Her onc ordered some more tests to look into that and we don't have those results yet. However, on Friday she was given an IV antibiotic when they put in the power port and she's been feeling better since. There really might be something to this line of thinking.

Today her BP was back in the normal range as it was yesterday so there was no IV fluid treatment. The nurse did take lab work through the port though, and it was all incredibly simple. Yeah!!! Maybe we really have turned the corner on this one....

Just one more day, then another, and one more after that.....

I think this will never end. I am so tired, I had a massive crying attack today. I keep thinking I just can't do this anymore and I don't even know what "this" is that I am thinking.

And of course whatever it is, I will keep doing it until it no longer needs to by done.

I wish I could return to the time my kids were small. I'd like to just be back in those days when problems seemed surmountable.

Difficult again....

Just got home from Harriett's appointment. It's after 7:00pm and the appointment was for 1:15pm. Actually she was supposed to have two appointments today, one to put in a "power port" for her chemo, any blood draws or IVs she has to have. This was ordered because they simply cannot find a vein to poke on her anymore. The people trying to find a vein today were amazed that they simply couldn't find anything.

Her BP was very very low again - the machine wouldn't even register it. So of course the first course of business was to get an IV drip going to pump her with fluids. Then we had to wait for someone else to get done in the OR before Harriett could get taken in. Once she finally got out everything was okay. They finished her IV drip and then she had to stay for an hour and then they released her.

We never did make it to her 3:00 appointment, but actually that was okay. The 3:00 date was for the IV therapy center to take her BP and then give her fluids if it was low. The people in the center for the first procedure called IV Therapy to let them know we were running late and I think between the two of them they decided that keeping her on the drip she was getting anyway was going to do as much good as going over there for a second drip. It all worked out.

I am very hopeful that this will also help her with the nausea. No one has indicated so, but when she gets so dehydrated everything seems to be more difficult, so maybe making sure on a daily basis that she has enough fluids will make a difference for all of it. We can only just keep praying.

There were a couple of amusing little incidents today. I knew Harriett was really stressed out and we had to wait for a long time when they first took us to the recovery room. That seems a little odd, she started out from the recovery room and then returned there, maybe it should be the prep/recovery room - or PR room... Anyway, I sat on the bed beside her and rubbed her back and tried to help her stay calm. Later, when they were working so hard on the IV I said something about how hard it was to watch Harriett go through all this. One of the nurses said, "Of course it is, she's your Honey." My first thought was, "Oh no, my Honey's working from home today." But then I just thought what the heck does it matter what anyone thinks? The second thing - and probably not as amusing to Harriett, was a janitor who came in to mop the floor. When she was leaving she said, "Thank you, sir." Harriett goes, "What?!?" I didn't say anything but I really wanted to laugh!

College and Cancer

The trip to Logan yesterday for Krissy's orientation was great. She got her new ID card and registered for all her classes. I love the way this all works. It's so different from when I went to college. I don't recall my parents being very involved at all or that we did much more than show up a couple of days early. While the new students were doing their stuff there were presentations for the parents that attended. We got information from several different areas of the school and had a student/teacher panel. An officer from the school police department talked with us about crime on campus and the availabilty of people to escort students around campus after dark and all that sort of thing. The doctor from the Health & Wellness clinic talked about all the services available there and how to use them. A career counselor explained what was available through his office and I was very impressed. I always thought the career counseling was more for seniors getting ready to graduate and about finding a job. Of course that kind of thinking is probably why I never finished college anyway... I was afraid of talking to the people that I should have been talking to about my education and my future. Another speaker was from the Student Resource Center and explained all their services. Why am I so excited about all this information? Because I can better help my daughter if the need arises since I have good information about what resources are available to her.

She will be living on campus in a dorm. Here's another really great thing - there are units within the dorms that you can request being assigned to that relate either to your personal interests or your educational interests. Krissy is going to be an art major so she chose a group that is called "appreciating the arts." There are other groups for education or medical fields or outdoor interests (hiking, skiing, etc - that would have been my choice). I think it is so cool that she will be living with other freshman who share her major and will be organizing events with those people. School was never like that when I went. We did have activities and events planned by our dorm floor, but we were never grouped by interest.

The school is similar to my college in some ways. It's a small town university and an aggricultural school. They are known for their icecream and we were known for our cheese. Both schools also are homes to the sports underdogs. The school is quite a bit smaller than mine was and by the consensus of the student panel we visited with, it's very very much a community spirited school. The students that attend there are very loyal to their school and all seemed to agree that a big part of their choice to attend there was that they felt strongly when they visited the school that they were wanted there. I think that is what Krissy said about their presentation when they visited her high school, too.

I am so happy with her choice of school. There is something to be said for living in such a conservative state (especially being as liberal as I am) when it comes to the colleges. They do have some issues with parties and alcohol but they are very limited. I think the spring session has gone home for summer break and only a portion of the incoming freshman were there yesterday. In the group of kids I saw exactly one who didn't look straight as an arrow. He had a very very modest mohawk. Talk about looking out of place. I do have to say, on the other hand, that when I visit Seattle I simply LOVE the diversity of the people there. I used to feel sort of threatened by punk looking people, but as my own daughters have gotten older and I have worked with a couple of more extreme looking gals at B&N I feel more artsy about them - freedom of expression I guess.

My other topic today is cancer. Harriett had another appointment today and I am more and more fearful for her. She is down more weight and BP was extremely low again. Her doctor made appointments for her over the next three days to get IV drips to help her bring her BP up. She's also changing her therapy to real chemo because, as she put it, we have GOT to get aggressive on this.

To be honest, I am so tired of all these doctor appointments and visits. I can't even imagine how Harriett must feel. She told me the other day that we do more for her than her own family would be doing if she were around them. I didn't say it at the time, but I should have reminded her that we ARE her family. We are all in this together. Sometimes I wish I knew what is going to happen and other times I am happy that I don't. And, for today anyway, life goes on.

If it can difficult, why make it easy?

This seems to be our way of doing things when it comes to Harriett's treatment. For the second week in a row she was too dehydrated to begin the chemo, as well as finding a vein was next to impossible. It can be that way when you are dehydrated. Her BP was also extremely low. Last week that meant we ended up back at her primary care doctor who changed the BP med - but it is looking to me like she's going to have to stay off it altogether. There doesn't seem to be any inbetween. Everyone says she looks so much better when we leave - well, duh! She's down another three pounds over last week. Last week she was down six pounds. I don't know if they do this, but I am so scared that she may end up on a feeding tube if she can't begin to gain weight or at least stabilize.

One of the nurses called in a rep from the Utah Cancer Society to show Harriett some wigs. They provide two free wigs to cancer patients. How cool is that? I noticed a sticky note on one of the wigs with a business name on it. I thought, hm... and looked a little closer and there was another business name on it, too. Both of these business names are simply last names but I thought it was a co-incident that they were the name of the Division that brought us to Utah to begin with and the name of the main corporation over that division that is causing our move to Cincinnati. I commented on it and the rep said, yes, that company gives the UCS a grant for providing the services they do. I felt so proud that this is the company Mark works for! I told him about it when we got home and he said that the golf tournament he was just in was a fund raiser for the Children's Hospital here. Things like this mean so much.

Tomorrow Krissy and I go up to Logan for her freshman orientation. It's so pretty up there but we have to get up and on the road by 6:00am. I am so excited about her going to school in Logan. It's so pretty there and she gets to stay in Utah. At least I have a good reason to come back!

Falling Apart

Mornings seem to be the worst time of day for me recently. I wake up and immediately see to all of Mom's needs, then clean up after her (make her bed, start her laundry, etc.) and by the time I am done with that I am on the verge of tears. Everyone is telling me to be sure to take care of myself, to make sure I have time for myself, but how do I do that?

I wake up not wanting to talk to anyone. Alyssa is so good with her g'ma when she helps her in the mornings. She goes in with a smile in her voice and keeps chattering away at her through the entire routine. I don't say more than I have to. If anyone else talks to me, I barely respond. I feel bad for Mark on the weekends because he doesn't know what's wrong with me. At least during the week he's at work. This morning I got my latte and grabbed the breakfast he made for me and put it on the table and then went into the bedroom and sat on the floor and cried. I have nothing to cry about. I'm not mad at anyone or hurt - I just want to cry. When I was done I came back and sat at the table with him and we talked about normal stuff. And then the tears started coming again. He understands as much as he can. He asked me if I thought a spa day might help. I really don't know, but i thought about it and I can see myself in a soft lit room getting a very very long massage, soft music playing. I think it couldn't hurt.

It does get better each day as the day goes on. It's mostly the morning when I'm emotionally on the edge. I'm trying to work my way through some of the things we brought of Mom's belongings. She photographed her entire life and it's an amazing life, but what I am going to do with so many photos of places that I've never been? Everyone tells me I need to hang onto them, but why? She has a huge album of photos of China, for instance. They are all places she toured, but there are not any people in them that interest me. If' I'd been there, I am sure I would feel differently, but it's her memories and not mine. I did let myself be talked into keeping the books for her to look through. Alyssa brought one up for her and apparently she did spend some time looking at it. However, I doubt she really remembered any of it. She put it aside and hasn't picked it up again.

I forgot to stop at Walgreen's for Harriett's meds when Krissy and I went out a while ago. I guess I will have to go do that soon. Maybe I will wait awhile since they have a 24 hour pharmacy....

Rose called me last night to vent about Tracy... she got a "meeting" with Tracy for the first time. I really never thought it would happen to her. I feel so bad for her. She said the entire time she kept thinking, "So this is what it feels like," and thinking about me. She got a poor shop and from what she told me, it wasn't really anything she had a lot of control over because the customer asked where to find an author, not a specific book, and Rose showed her where the books by that author are. So she got knocked for not putting the book in the customer's hand. Hello??????? Was she supposed to take ALL the Shel Silverstein books of the shelf and hand them to the customer? Then Tracy went on to say that the store was number two in the district but because of Rose's bad shop it went to number 7. She is so full of it!!! It wouldn't have dropped that far just because of that one thing. I still maintain that Tracy seems to enjoy trying to make people feel bad. Rose said that Aaron was in the room and he tried to lessen the impact. Good for him. Last time I got called in Jami was in the room and she managed to take everything Tracy said and soften it - and she did that well. The one thing I can say for Tracy is that she has good assistant managers, and that is also why she probably doesn't have more turnover than she does. Rose did tell me that they have recently interviewed 21 people and none of them worth hiring.

I guess that job was the 'take care of me' thing I had. Although I think Tracy sucks at management, I loved the job and the employees and the customers. I keep thinking about going to work at the B&N in Kentucky but the downside is the retail hours. If I ever get out from under caring for people 24/7 and being tied to home, I do want my weekends and evenings free so we can go exploring. It was so fun when we first got here and I wasn't working. The girls and I did so much together. I am seriously considering looking for something in the school district so I have the same time off that the kids have.

It helps to write all this. But I think I will go make another latte and sort more of Mom's stuff. And address grad announcements with Krissy. And make some cards. Etc.

A Horrible Daughter....

I have issues today and I am choosing to write here rather than my regular blog because I don't think I have any readers here.

The title refers to me, not my own daughters.

Harriett & I got back from her radiation therapy today (last one - yeah!!) and as soon as Mom could see me (I mean the very second!) she asked me to take her to the bathroom. I totally lost it with her. I hate that!! I know she doesn't realize what she's doing but I lose my temper anyway. ARGH!!

For some reason she gets it into her head that I am the only one that can, or that she wants, to do anything for her. She has no idea what a burden that puts on me. She's basically wanting me to be around 24/7 to care for her. That would mean that I can have no life of my own. It's gotten pretty much that way anyway since Harriett got sick, but it's worse than ever now. In the three years we've lived here I have not even been to Brice Canyon, Moab, the Grand Canyon, or any of the other amazing areas to sightsee. Any time off I've had with Mark has been returning to Washington to weddings and graduations. We did make it to Phoenix once for Spring Training. I guess that might count for a little bit as we got to drive passed the freeway exits to all the places I want to visit.

Anyway, I laid into Mom. I asked her if she'd been waiting for me to get home to take her to the bathroom. She said, "Yes," and I asked her why since Krissy was sitting right there with her. Of course she doesn't know the answer to that because she really doesn't even understand what I am asking her. I told her she'd just have to wait until I was ready since she'd waited anyway, and I put away groceries and used the bathroom. Then when I came back to the livingroom, got her up and walked her to the bathroom, and scolded her all the way, telling her that by insisting I am the one to always have to help her, that she is placing too much responsibility on me for her care. I don't know how much of that she is going to retain but I shouldn't have said it all anyway. To care for her here has been my choice and it's not fair to take my frustrations out on her. But I honestly don't know if I can continue to do this after the move. We've made sure she has a first floor room in the new house, and a shower that she can step into/out of, and a 17" toilet. But I really need to work to help support our household and I am stressed over that as well.

Since Harriett has gotten sick Alyssa has changed her work schedule around to accomodate all the doctor appointments. Some days we were out 8 hours or more going to appointments and/or the medicaid office. With Alyssa home to care for her G'ma it's really helped a lot. Today she didn't have the time off because we originally thought the radiation would be concluded yesterday. So I called the school to have Krissy come home early to stay with Mom. Both girls are so awesome in their willingness to help. Harriett can't help her anymore because of the cancer in her bones. She could break a bone way too easily.

I know it's the stress of everything that is really getting to me. Making this house ready to sell, building a home I am afraid we can't afford, moving so much farther away from Mark's folks, his Mom and Dad's health issues, my Mom's poor health, Harriett's health and the big question of what's going to happen in Kentucky for her treatments, graduation coming up and college for Krissy, and on and on and on. I know I have to trust God because what control do I have over any of it anyway? But I need to lose my frustration, anxiety and anger. Taking any of it out on my family is just not right. Focus on the relationships, Betsy. Loving relationships. That is what it is all about. There is not one person in this family that is trying to overburden me. Things just are what they are. Truly, I am the lucky one. I don't have alzheimers or dementia or cancer. I am healthy and I need to do what I can to help. That has never been an issue. Being here for the people that need me has never been at question.

Please, please, please, dear God, help me be calm and peaceful, loving and caring, and living without anger and frustration.

Sleepless in Sandy

4am in the morning and still awake. It's so peaceful. I can hear a few little bird chirps which seem odd since it's still so dark out. Bailey left me long ago to sleep in the bedroom where she knows I belong at this hour. She's probably having puppy dreams and snoring. Since Mark is out of town she's most likely crept up onto the bed. She knows I'll let her get away with it....

I've been reading a book called "The Shack" by William P Young. It's a story about God's love, written from the perspective of Mackenzie, a man who has lost a child. After four years of the Great Sadness, God sends Mackenzie a note to meet him at the shack where his daughter was killed. (I know - not just anybody gets a note from God!) When he meets God "face to face" he becomes involved in a relationship with three people: "God" who is a black woman who calls herself Papa, "Jesus" (self explanatory) and "Sarayu" a sort of translucent, airy, light filled being who is the Holy Ghost. These three characters who are all God, yet appear as three separate beings, interacting and sharing wonderful relationships with each other begin to show Mackenzie what God's love really is.

My faith is something fluid. It grows and changes with my experience(s) and what I believe I understand. I am open to new fresh ideas because everything I have seen as reference and truth about God has actually been provided or interpreted by man. I believe in a totally loving and forgiving God. That doesn't mean I should be a horrible person because in the long run it won't matter, forgiveness will still be mine, but that I should live in God's love and with him at the center I am living in his example.

In many ways this book reflects what I have felt about God and clarifies many things that I couldn't grasp. How can I be this religion or that religion if one is right and one is not? I have believed that many roads lead to heaven (God) but then I am told that only through Jesus can I get there. Can a loving/forgiving God really turn away anyone of a religion that isn't Christian? That can't be right my heart tells me. One of the most striking ideas in this book (paraphrasing here) is, by many roads, God will find his children. Wow.

A believer of God and/or Jesus or not, I think this book is a good read for anyone. It's been sort of a slow read for me, but I really think that is because some of the ideas are so profound that I have to allow myself time to absorb them. I am sure I will be reading this book again.

Want to learn more? There is a website.... http://www.theshackbook.com/