Falling Apart

Mornings seem to be the worst time of day for me recently. I wake up and immediately see to all of Mom's needs, then clean up after her (make her bed, start her laundry, etc.) and by the time I am done with that I am on the verge of tears. Everyone is telling me to be sure to take care of myself, to make sure I have time for myself, but how do I do that?

I wake up not wanting to talk to anyone. Alyssa is so good with her g'ma when she helps her in the mornings. She goes in with a smile in her voice and keeps chattering away at her through the entire routine. I don't say more than I have to. If anyone else talks to me, I barely respond. I feel bad for Mark on the weekends because he doesn't know what's wrong with me. At least during the week he's at work. This morning I got my latte and grabbed the breakfast he made for me and put it on the table and then went into the bedroom and sat on the floor and cried. I have nothing to cry about. I'm not mad at anyone or hurt - I just want to cry. When I was done I came back and sat at the table with him and we talked about normal stuff. And then the tears started coming again. He understands as much as he can. He asked me if I thought a spa day might help. I really don't know, but i thought about it and I can see myself in a soft lit room getting a very very long massage, soft music playing. I think it couldn't hurt.

It does get better each day as the day goes on. It's mostly the morning when I'm emotionally on the edge. I'm trying to work my way through some of the things we brought of Mom's belongings. She photographed her entire life and it's an amazing life, but what I am going to do with so many photos of places that I've never been? Everyone tells me I need to hang onto them, but why? She has a huge album of photos of China, for instance. They are all places she toured, but there are not any people in them that interest me. If' I'd been there, I am sure I would feel differently, but it's her memories and not mine. I did let myself be talked into keeping the books for her to look through. Alyssa brought one up for her and apparently she did spend some time looking at it. However, I doubt she really remembered any of it. She put it aside and hasn't picked it up again.

I forgot to stop at Walgreen's for Harriett's meds when Krissy and I went out a while ago. I guess I will have to go do that soon. Maybe I will wait awhile since they have a 24 hour pharmacy....

Rose called me last night to vent about Tracy... she got a "meeting" with Tracy for the first time. I really never thought it would happen to her. I feel so bad for her. She said the entire time she kept thinking, "So this is what it feels like," and thinking about me. She got a poor shop and from what she told me, it wasn't really anything she had a lot of control over because the customer asked where to find an author, not a specific book, and Rose showed her where the books by that author are. So she got knocked for not putting the book in the customer's hand. Hello??????? Was she supposed to take ALL the Shel Silverstein books of the shelf and hand them to the customer? Then Tracy went on to say that the store was number two in the district but because of Rose's bad shop it went to number 7. She is so full of it!!! It wouldn't have dropped that far just because of that one thing. I still maintain that Tracy seems to enjoy trying to make people feel bad. Rose said that Aaron was in the room and he tried to lessen the impact. Good for him. Last time I got called in Jami was in the room and she managed to take everything Tracy said and soften it - and she did that well. The one thing I can say for Tracy is that she has good assistant managers, and that is also why she probably doesn't have more turnover than she does. Rose did tell me that they have recently interviewed 21 people and none of them worth hiring.

I guess that job was the 'take care of me' thing I had. Although I think Tracy sucks at management, I loved the job and the employees and the customers. I keep thinking about going to work at the B&N in Kentucky but the downside is the retail hours. If I ever get out from under caring for people 24/7 and being tied to home, I do want my weekends and evenings free so we can go exploring. It was so fun when we first got here and I wasn't working. The girls and I did so much together. I am seriously considering looking for something in the school district so I have the same time off that the kids have.

It helps to write all this. But I think I will go make another latte and sort more of Mom's stuff. And address grad announcements with Krissy. And make some cards. Etc.