A Horrible Daughter....

I have issues today and I am choosing to write here rather than my regular blog because I don't think I have any readers here.

The title refers to me, not my own daughters.

Harriett & I got back from her radiation therapy today (last one - yeah!!) and as soon as Mom could see me (I mean the very second!) she asked me to take her to the bathroom. I totally lost it with her. I hate that!! I know she doesn't realize what she's doing but I lose my temper anyway. ARGH!!

For some reason she gets it into her head that I am the only one that can, or that she wants, to do anything for her. She has no idea what a burden that puts on me. She's basically wanting me to be around 24/7 to care for her. That would mean that I can have no life of my own. It's gotten pretty much that way anyway since Harriett got sick, but it's worse than ever now. In the three years we've lived here I have not even been to Brice Canyon, Moab, the Grand Canyon, or any of the other amazing areas to sightsee. Any time off I've had with Mark has been returning to Washington to weddings and graduations. We did make it to Phoenix once for Spring Training. I guess that might count for a little bit as we got to drive passed the freeway exits to all the places I want to visit.

Anyway, I laid into Mom. I asked her if she'd been waiting for me to get home to take her to the bathroom. She said, "Yes," and I asked her why since Krissy was sitting right there with her. Of course she doesn't know the answer to that because she really doesn't even understand what I am asking her. I told her she'd just have to wait until I was ready since she'd waited anyway, and I put away groceries and used the bathroom. Then when I came back to the livingroom, got her up and walked her to the bathroom, and scolded her all the way, telling her that by insisting I am the one to always have to help her, that she is placing too much responsibility on me for her care. I don't know how much of that she is going to retain but I shouldn't have said it all anyway. To care for her here has been my choice and it's not fair to take my frustrations out on her. But I honestly don't know if I can continue to do this after the move. We've made sure she has a first floor room in the new house, and a shower that she can step into/out of, and a 17" toilet. But I really need to work to help support our household and I am stressed over that as well.

Since Harriett has gotten sick Alyssa has changed her work schedule around to accomodate all the doctor appointments. Some days we were out 8 hours or more going to appointments and/or the medicaid office. With Alyssa home to care for her G'ma it's really helped a lot. Today she didn't have the time off because we originally thought the radiation would be concluded yesterday. So I called the school to have Krissy come home early to stay with Mom. Both girls are so awesome in their willingness to help. Harriett can't help her anymore because of the cancer in her bones. She could break a bone way too easily.

I know it's the stress of everything that is really getting to me. Making this house ready to sell, building a home I am afraid we can't afford, moving so much farther away from Mark's folks, his Mom and Dad's health issues, my Mom's poor health, Harriett's health and the big question of what's going to happen in Kentucky for her treatments, graduation coming up and college for Krissy, and on and on and on. I know I have to trust God because what control do I have over any of it anyway? But I need to lose my frustration, anxiety and anger. Taking any of it out on my family is just not right. Focus on the relationships, Betsy. Loving relationships. That is what it is all about. There is not one person in this family that is trying to overburden me. Things just are what they are. Truly, I am the lucky one. I don't have alzheimers or dementia or cancer. I am healthy and I need to do what I can to help. That has never been an issue. Being here for the people that need me has never been at question.

Please, please, please, dear God, help me be calm and peaceful, loving and caring, and living without anger and frustration.